I Choked Back My Tears For?

Ring the Bells.
Ring it loud.

I am listening.
I am lost.
But I am listening.
So go ring the bells for me.

I am waiting for life to happen.

Regrets are what I left behind.I know what I don't know.
Confused?
My love's like the last man standing.Go figure that out.

I'll pray till then.


I am no Superman.But I put you back right,right?

Minds all conked out.And I don't care.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,LOSER!

Ah well this woman has ALWAYS complained to me about how I always write about everyone else but her and well,I thought I'll blog about my best friend Nija Arora on her 18th birthday!
Actually,now I am lost for words because there's SO much and I can't put it all down.Besides,she knows it.YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THAT IS.She knows what I think.HOW weird is that?But haha I am so glad she does.Or else I'll be a lunatic blowing fire(no clue why I said that).She's pretty awesome and I can't do without her.No really.I cannot.I am very difficult you know.I throw HUGE tantrums and who bears it all?Oh yes,my lovely.So I've used all means of communication to wish her.Was at her 'social get together'(she prefers to call it THAT),called her at 12(ok FINE at 1,I kinda overslept),mailed her,wished her through writing(MY AMAZING CARD and a tiny note),surprised her on her birthday AND NOW through my awesome blog which btw is soon going to celebrate its FIRST birthday too!
Well Nija reads my every post(yup I have to keep giving her reminders to do so).She LOVES F.R.I.E.N.D.S.She does not like the canteen's samosa.She prefers chicken sandwich.She ALWAYS has this girl named Shruti at her place:)OH and we both love Lion King oh AND Grease.
We talk about our future all the time and as school gets over I feel it's actually gonna happen soon.I am so glad I've got you Nija.I am.And I hope we have a kickass future.I hope you get your Pilot and the 'mansion'.HAHA

I love you,Grumpyface.

P.S I had lot more to write but I am bit too busy.EID TOMORROW! and oh well Nija knows anyways:)

P.P.S I know you're gonna kill me for that picture I uploaded.BUT I think it's really funny:)

Closer to the End.

Well,closer to the end of the year at least and well WHAT a year it has been!I am done with the exams and I feel so good already!At least till I get hold of my papers:) I am going to finish school in 4 months and I have mixed feelings over it.I hate studying and I hate the whole idea of being tested on what you've learned.Well,hate is too strong a word.Basically,I don't like going through the grueling hours doing accounts or math.It's boring.However mushy it sounds I LOVE the people around me.And even now I have no clue how the last day's gonna be.I am just going to cry buckets.I love my class.And I'll miss them dearly.Even the Science class:) I have been an emotional wreck.Well I am always HAPPY about something or ANGRY.People who know me well,just know how childish and WEIRD I can get.Yet,they don't complain.
See where I am going?I can't do without some people and it sucks because I know I can't be with them.I just keep seeing the positive side of EVERYTHING.
I am JEALOUS FREAK.I am VERY POSSESSIVE of people I love.And though people might think that's just really creepy,I really don't care.The thing is-that's how I am.Well I have no clue where this post's heading towards.SO before it does.Let me introduce you to my view on stuff.

E.R vs. Grey's Anatomy

Ah okay this is gonna be a biased post because I LOVE E.R!E.R is wayyy more medical than Grey's.And some people don't find that interesting.The thing I like about E.R is the way it looks at relationships.They just need to look at each other at the chemistry is bang on!
I loved Grey's in the first 2 seasons.All the characters were SO interesting to watch.But then it got a little too crappy with Izzie's hallucinations and blah and with George's death I completely stopped.



Harry Potter vs.Twilight.

HARRY POTTER HANDS DOWN!I loved all the characters.I loved the evil ones!How I loved Malfoy.And I had always like Snape-he was actually a nice guy!I mean Twilight cannot be compared to Harry Potter.I have no more comments.


Old Me vs.New Me.

Ah well the old me loves the new me and the new me loves the old me.Confusing?Well my very smart friend commented on the 'so called changes' I've gone through.And THAT got me thinking when one more friend agreed to it.Changes?Well,let me think.Physically,I am still the same.No doubt about that.Maybe a little pudgier on the cheeks.Maybe I've become too weird.Well,I don't blame them because people MAKE me weird.
I've DEFINITELY become more whinier.I am emotionally unstable now.I get angry fast.I act childish ALL THE TIME.But that's with people I know.Duh.So are those the changes?Umm,I don't think so.

Do you think I've changed?If I have (bloggers who I have no clue about..maybe changes in the way I write) please let me know!

Leave a comment,once you read this.(this is for the lazy ones like Shruti).

Merci.

Distracting.

Conversations from the Accounts exam.=)

A: Hey I know a way to learn this!His Rags Smell Like Kaka!
N: WATER BABA!
T: I need to pee.
S: Omg I just saw Mervin.
S: Duudee I won't get more than 85!
N: I'll marry Akhil.
N: I will teach you Dissolution,Taazzyy!
R: I think I'll get myself a Pakistani boyfriend.

J: I haven't done ANYTHING in Physics.
My mind: Sure.

S: You can have my Parker pen.
F: I am sick of Forfeiture sums!
A: Kya yaar!Kaisa hai?

S: I saw cool boy in the morning.
T: I want to see him too!I see sexybeast everywhere.eww
N: Omg me too.

S: All Hindus are brothers and sisters,Tazy.
A: Um,I forgot to get your Eco book.BUT WHERE IS MY THANK YOU NOTE?
S: My bathroom's gonna be filled with cockroaches!
N: You can't make out Shehjar's voice?!
S: I want to see my hair.People are blocking!
Z: I have been a bad girl.God doesn't like me.
N: We are famous now!Niki looks pretty here.

T: Have you named your paintbrushes?
N: Oh yes.Incy,Wincy,Spider...

G: What's with Shruti?
T: Oh she was crying.
G: Why,what happened?
T: She broke up with her boyfriend.*moment of silence* HAHA GOTCHA!

N: How's accounts.Physics is BAD.
A: How namy times will you ask me about Pranav and the Social Interview!

J: Where's my card?
T: I think you'll make her a card before she gets you one.

T: The cools boys are here again.
S: Haha where's his orange bag?

N: You never replied.
T: Yes I did.
N: You are really stupid!

S: How do I look?
T: Very sleep and sad.
S: I am trying SO hard to stay awake!
My mind: Sure.

S: She's so fake.I don't like her.
T: Shut up.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Haha you guys are frikken AWESOME.
Identities are not revealed.You know what you said:)

Cradle me to Sleep.

I opened my eyes and I saw you tired and exhausted,but I saw happiness in your eyes.You planted a kiss on my forehead and drowned in weakness.I was taken away from you and I felt lost and lonely.You cradled me to sleep but I was taken away by people with white masks.They pierced needles and covered me with things.I was frustrated and longed to be in your arms,Mama.But I knew something was wrong because I was in pain.You tried to make me smile but in vain.I saw the pain in your eyes but you hid it by just holding me tight.I remember touching you,mama-your soft cheek.But you were in tears.And I wondered why.I was taken away again and I saw you cry.But don't worry Mama.You gave me a year-a year of love,care and everything you could give.You gave me everything and I love you so much.You were in anxiety and pain.Pain.It was everywhere.I didn't want to see you like that,Mama.A year was enough.You gave me a lifetime in that one year.Thank you,Mama.I am up here-safe,without Pain.Content,watching over you.Yes Mama,I am watching over you.

I am Back!

Oh well it's been a month since I wrote here and well I've been busy.Last month was VERY busy.The Holy month of Ramadan and the torturous tests we had prevented me from updating my beloved blog and that's why my Bestie- Shruti a.k.a Toots (I CALL HER THAT)decided to do it for me.I thought of of her to be my guest blogger because she doesn't write much for 'things like this' but surprisingly she didn't refuse.She's a lovely woman(yes,I used the word lovely)and she's pretty awesome.I've always wanted to secretly steal her brains to do Accounts.

School's been hectic lately.We've been SLOGGING-yes we have.Except during business.Ah we just end up sleeping or pass very 'important' news through our awesome notes.I am going to miss this all.Oh yes,I will.

HOT TOPIC-The new music sir and our lives after school:)

HOT SONG-Hallowed be Thy Name(I LOVE IT!)

HOT MOVIE-Wake Up Sid.(HAHA)

HOT BOOK-As of now,I am reading Lighthouse-PD James.Brilliant-till now.

I have Math test*and Integration's filling my head.I can't wait for this weekend.That's the only time I have time for myself.Okay,I have to go now.VERY less time.And too much work.

*log(secx)=tanx?

Let Your Loss Be Your Lesson

Hi! I am Shruti Gupta and I will be writing as Guest Blogger for Tasneem as she is too busy fasting as well as feasting!

The summer of 2009 was the hardest, most challenging yet the most eventful and memorable month of my life. I went for GYLC. I lived on my own for a month and a half, something I thought would be easy to do with absolutely no nagging and lecturing. However, it wasn’t until I was thrown in with 200 other people from around the world did I realize that I had taken people around me for granted all my life. I missed home, I missed seeing a familiar face around, I missed being woken up in the morning to yelling, I hated being lost in the crowd, I hated the fact that the people around me, the people I befriended could probably just be posers and I would never know, I hated tearing up when I heard a familiar voice, I hated counting down days to when I would be on a plane back home and I hated the fact that such things actually have a huge impact on me and get the better of me and all I could do was try to smile bravely, which failed me quite often. However, now that I am back home, I miss the experience, I miss the friends I made, I miss the places I saw and I miss the moments I missed out on. It’s hard being regretful.

When I was there I vowed to myself that I would come back and appreciate the people around me and I would enjoy things rather than mourn about them. I guess old habits die hard because I’m back to cribbing about school, the workload, the incessant nagging at home and the never ending lectures. And the worst part of it all? I know I have less than a year to enjoy all of this because in a year once again I’ll be living with people I don’t know, in a place which is unfamiliar to me, far far away from home. I know I won’t be meeting a lot of my friends again and in spite of that I don’t seem to cherish it all. Is it just being juvenile or am I just not trying hard enough? Whatever it is, it’s hard to shake off the horrid feeling of not being thankful for what I have.

My loss was my lesson which I seemed to have learnt nothing from.

Happy Birthday

To me.
I turn 17 today.
Woohoo.

And a Wildflower still grows

I stared at the empty screen.I heard the glass vase break.I had enough.I got my coat and slipped out quietly.it was the Christmas Eve.And I was walking through the streets of London-lonely and cold.I saw a homeless family singing carols.They huddled together to keep themselves warm and they all wore a smile on their faces.A tear slipped down my face.The snow started falling hard.I crept back home,dreading every step.My mom was in the kitchen crying.Her eyes were blotched and her hair was a mess.I had noticed the car was missing.So my dad had gone to the pub.He was always there.I just stood there.I was frustrated and I didn't make a move to comfort her.

It was the Christmas morning,and there was no sign of my dad.I knew something was wrong and just then the phone rang.My mom still in her pajamas,picked it up.My dad was dead.He met with an accident.I saw my mom crumbling right in front of me.She was in a state of distress.All this seemed unreal to me.I didn't cry.I wanted to be the strong one.My mom kept her pearl earrings in the coffin.It was her first gift from him.She cried out loud.She knew she made a mistake.I took her home.

A year later.

It was the Christmas Eve,I looked out of the window and watched the old couple dance.They were in love.I smiled.A sad smile.I heard the glass jug break.I ran out to check on my mother.She was laughing and just then I knew I had to take care of her.I drove her to the mental asylum.I had to leave her but this time I had someone to take care of me.He held my hand and kissed my forehead.I knew everything was going to be okay.He picked some wildflowers for me.I placed them in the glass vase.And I smiled.

In Her Shadow

As I walked on the cold sand,
I recollected my memory.
I wanted more,
of the feelings that no one could see.

No one would really care,
if something happened to me.
So I wouldn't dare to share,
what's on my mind and heart.

I search myself for answers,
for the questions that fill my mind.
I search for answers,
so that I could be free-again.

I am trapped and I am lonely,
aching for something I couldn't be.
But then,I knew I could break away
if I could just get through one more day.

As I walk along the sea shore,
I observed a girl in front of me.
I felt like I had seen her before,
she seemed free and happy.

I finally caught up with her,
It was me.
She looked at me and smiled,
she told me to break free.

Let Me In.

The lifeless body lies on the cold slab.
The eyes gazing up at the sky.
Once a wealthy man with no love,
now lonelier-it's not a lie.

He had the money,he quenched his hunger,
but nothing filled his thirst for companionship.
He couldn't wait nay longer,
He wanted to go home.

But he wanted to take someone with him,
he was counting the days to do so.
He was delighted and couldn't hide the whim,
To take someone with him forever.

He was going to take a long sleep,
he laid himself on his pillow.
He hugged his money tight,
and let his mind wander.

He cried himself to death,
he had no one for comfort.
His last words were"let me in",
the wall have no ears and so no one heard.

So I was saying.

I have absolutely nothing to do these days(apart from the tonnes of homework and studying and housework since my mom's not there)
What was I saying?Oh yes,I have nothing to do.And because of that, I have nothing to blog about.And I just realized my earlier post was stressing on the same.
The only thing i am looking forward too is turning 17.I am a Leo and well growing a year older does not make you feel good but it's a day when you feel special.At least i intend on people to treat me like that.
I was watching the news today.And the same old stories about riots,reforms and restlessness in countries were being aired.I am getting immune to it now.I've always had an interest in politics.Both the dirty side and the honest.Many might think politics is a mundane activity-the same old men with a paunch and gold tooth rule the country heading a corrupt government.And people shake their heads in disbelief when i pick out a name say,Rahul Ghandi and predict that he will turn out to be a black sheep soon.
The thing is that when people say this, they're just blindly following what people in the past have said.No one thinks twice.People don't care actually.Some of them think it's "uncool" to talk about politics.
Keeping Indian politics aside,we have the British government.Though there are intelligent and smart men in Britain as of now,they have the worst government in history of British politics.

Ok yeah,by now you must be bored out of your pants.The point is our lives have become so monotonous these days.We don't even like to take a minute to think for ourselves.Well even now,i am gonna be back to what i was doing.Reading -Break no bones and listening to Blood Brothers.We are all the same.We just like to think ourselves to be different from one another.

So i was saying.

4th post of this month and it's boring.

So here i am updating my blog just for the sake of it.
I have absolutely nothing to blog about.Summer's officially begun.You know,had summer classes and i bunked the last day to watch some Ally Mcbeal.This summer's gonna be a drab.Firstly,NO ONE'S gonna be there.And secondly,i have to do some proper studying in order to be there in class.And i think i am doing pretty well.Oh and tuition.Well THAT has been pretty weird lately for reasons no one would like to know.

I want to watch Harry Potter so so so badly.I want to watch Snape and Malfoy.There are such GOOD bad boys.I remember reading the first book and loving it.I even remember reading that last book 2 years back in July.Though i didn't like the way she ended it I knew the Harry Potter series would be one my all-time favourites!

Ok i have nothing to write.

Shruti and Sunny,hope your GYLC holiday goes awesomely well!

Regrets,I've had a Few

I would be strong,
If you just stand by me.
And sing a happy song,
it'll be back to what you wished it'd be.

If I have something to say,
just listen to me.
I would spend an entire day,
to make things right and know how you feel.

Through my highs and lows,
I need you.
And if I make a mistake,
don't give up on me.

A tear
A lump in her throat.
An awkward silence.

You want to run away from all that,
yet you want to tell her it's okay.
You want to be there for her,
you want to make all this go away.

You close your eyes,hoping it's gone
but there she is-perturbed.
You know what you did was wrong,
you let her down.

Now,I am regretful.

I Love You Too

Nija and I <3

My Besties:)

Nija,Nusha and me cuddling up.Haha

Nupur thinks my shirt's hot i think she is!:)

In school:)

We LOVE Jisha!

On our way to a party!

Akshaya trying to act cool:)

Sanjhana..well being herself!

Sneha and I acting weird!

Shruti straightening my hair:)

Sahitia loves posing!

Jisha and Anusha up to something!

We're awesome.

I absolutely love this one.Shruti and I all dressed up:)

Broken Strings

Yes Jisha, i am in love with this song and i absolutely adore James Morrison's voice.
Right now,i am watching the Wimbledon semis.Rooting for the William woman.Well my weekend has been shortened to just the Friday.And i am annoyed.The summer classes-what a bore!
One week over...two more to go!And this one week was okay except for the business classes.You want to sleep but you can't.

So the song.YES.Rashmi and i sang the song TWICE in the bus in our horrible squeaky voices.That was the only good part of the day.I was listening to Chris Martin sing, in the washroom (no one knew about that!).Oh and i aced my business test.Yayy.


Oh i am reading this Jeffrey Archer book.Politics and crime.What more could i ask for?

Let me hold you for the last time
it's the last chance to feel again.
But you broke me
and now i don't feel anything.


AND Serena Williams won.

Weird.I am weird.And I know it.

My friends are weirder Haha!
So the past one week has been busy with prize day and all and I'll put more pictures up of the event a bit later.Well,i cried like a baby because my music teacher left.Now wait,the weird part is-I've never been his student.I've not been in his class nor have i been taught by him.I am pretty sure my friends think i am weird for being so emotional and even i've been thinking about it.I was not like this.Maybe the whole leaving school-leaving people thing is taking a toll on me.Have you ever felt like this?

The Way Everyone Feels.

There's always a little truth behind every *just kidding
a little curiosity behind every *just wondering,
a little knowledge behind every *i don't know,
and a little emotion behind every *i don't care ` *

I read this somewhere and i really wanted to put it down here.
It's so true.

The Beauty of A Crime.

When i say that i don't mean crime as in a murder or something but crime novels.Now don't think i am some depressing violence-loving git.It's just that i always thought crime novels were intriguing.Well,i had read too many novels and at one point all the plots became too predictable.And then i vowed to never read crime novels again.Well that was too difficult and i tried indulging myself in other books.I read Cecilia Ahern's Thanks For the Memories.It was good-but not good enough.And that's when i came across the book Brother Grimm by Craig Russel.When i first set my sights upon it knew this book was to be read.When i read the first chapter,i really thought it was going to be another crime novel and i was wishing i stuck to my vows.But as i was turning the pages it just got better.I am on chapter 39 and i can't stop reading!The characters have been described meticulously and the whole concept is brilliant!





Now,i do enjoy some happy books!Meg Cabot's Avalon High is still ranked high in my reading list.
There are many other books in my list..i am just too lazy to put them down here.I love all the books by Cecilia Ahern(and she's gorgeous too!)

Okay,i am going to dig myself deeper into this book!Come on Fabel..get the psychopath!

The Week Ahead.

Ok so i am going to teach a bunch of 8th grade kids about the history of India.I can totally imagine the kids dozing of to sleep or raising their eyebrows at everything i state.How do i make it interesting?It's history and history has a history of being very boring.Now, i never detested history.I always thought it was interesting but the teachers made it a tad bit boring.But now i know how it feels.History is a vast subject and maybe it can be made fun by using some colourful slides(trying hard to make my First War of Independance slide as interesting as possible!) or using your own way of explaining the stories of the great leaders.I am dreading this week.They might hate it or love it.I am aiming for the latter.

Hours before what i call The Day I'll Not Remember.

I have business tomorrow.And i don't know a thing.Maybe because i was watching Grey's.But hey what the hell?you need some break.
So here i am typing this when i could be revising.Ahh.I am too exhausted.
Let's see how it goes tomorrow.I hope my other girls are as bad as me in studying this really pathetic subject.Writing exams in that hall is not fun.It's so cold you feel like using the washroom frequently!And there are like 50 teachers invigilating.And none of them listen to me screaming for an extra sheet.When i finish my last exam(yay!) I am going for tution.Amazing isn't it?I could be at Rashmi's with her beautiful cat(did i just call an animal beautiful?) Neil and Sneha and her parrot .Oh crap.Have to go.I am sleepy.

Ah my 20th post.

So here's my 20th post,Anusha.It's not going to be amazing as this is just a random one celebrating my 20th blog post which is a big thing for me.
I am going to make a list of 20 things/people i absolutely love:(these are subject to change)

3 bands i love listening to:
1.Iron Maiden
2.Bon Jovi
3.Keane

2 movies i'll always love:
1.Grease
2.Lion King

3 songs i love:
1.A Bad Dream
2.Many Iron Maiden songs which i can go on naming-Wicker man,Aces high,Blood brothers.Dance of death,Rainmaker,No more lies,Hallowed be thy name...
3.Accidentally in Love, Always

Ok so the next list is a list of people i love and it's a long one:(not in any order,Nusha)
1.I love Akshaya Kaulitz and her love for weird stuff.
2.I love whining with Rashmi about girly stuff.
4.I love calling Anusha and texting her everyday in my horrible incomprehensible English.(i mentioned you 5 times,Anusha in my last post.)
5.I love Rahul Gandhi.People raising their eyebrows reading this,just stop now.
5.I love how weird Sahitia and I are.She's the only one who heard me cry over the phone.I love her.
6.I love Nija and her other half.haha
7.Jisha makes my day everyday.I love her.Mushy enough?
8.I love having intellectual conversations with Shruti.
9.I love Srinivasan Jain.
10.Last but not least i love mom,daddy,abdy,my big sisters their hubbies and my two beautiful nieces.

3 random things i love:
1.Chicken:)
2.I love the rain and the smell of wet sand.
3.I love having a tub of ice cream and reading a chick lit when i am depressed.

2 T.V shows i am currently addicted to:
1.CSI
2.House(watching reruns of season 1)

I am pretty sure i passed 20 things.This is my 20th post and i love it.

It's Never Too Late.

The words you wanted to say,
swallowed in at that time.
You shut your eyes and pray,
pray that what you've done is not a big crime.

It's not too late to tell the truth.

You tell your mind you're right,
you look at her with accusing eyes.
You try to ignore everything around you,
though you know all her lies.

It's not too late to forgive.

You feel guilty and you repent it,
but your mind tells you it's just a mistake.
You want all the broken pieces to fit,
you would make everything right for her sake.

It's not too late to apologize.

Your heart flutters when you hear his name,
you feel good and happy inside.
You would love to hear his voice all day,
though you tell yourself otherwise.

It's not too late to love.

It's not too late to be a friend though you've been replaced.It's not too late to dream though you're shattered.
It's not too late to change.

It's never too late.

Today.

AAANNDDD Kris Allen won.
yayayayayyyy.
That was so unexpected.But whatever,the nice guy won!
I can still hear all the Lambert fans grumbling.

My love for Indian politics has reached a dizzying height.

Anusha and Jisha..i missed you both.I kept walking in to 12 g looking for Jisha.

My mind is filled with math formulae..okay not really.But seriously,I've had enough of math tuition.I went for 2 DAYS.

Reading Jeffrey Archer-The Prodigal Daughter.I like it.

And Nija,if you're reading this:Stop drinking Red Bull and get well soon.And stop worrying.
My brother just screamed out the IPL cricket score.Bangalore is 106 for 2 wickets apparently.Boring.

Srinivasan Jain is the next awesome guy to watch out for.

Mirrored.

So i feel like a complete idiot right now.I called up Anusha and screamed"Heyyyyyyyyyyy".and she replies"umm,this is her sister..she's not here".
Crap.Ok so that wasn't all that embarrassing.But still.
Talking about embarrassing situations... i know how Anusha feels right now.Those smiles and those looks aren't going to take you anywhere, Anusha.haha
People make mistakes.Everyone makes mistakes.
And well this is such a random post.I might as well leave it as a draft.
I just finished reading 3 books:
P.D James-Murder Room.
James Patterson-the Final Warning.
Sidney Sheldon-Are you Afraid of the dark?(still reading)
I've been reading many crime novels lately.And i like them.I want to read A Place called Here.

Gokey's OUT.yayayayy.Kris Allen doesn't stand a chance of winning but there's no harm in hoping.

I am listening to Aces High-Iron Maiden.Love it.

http://anushamurti.blogspot.com/
It's worth a read.In Sanjhana's word,"She's feisty".
And yes that's why i love this woman.Ily,anusha.haha

Ok so I have to write something about the election.Indian election.People don't care.They don't vote because they don't have a choice.I am trying hard not to be judgmental.But LOOK at our politicians.But you know what?democracy is a prized possession.And we MUST vote.

This women with huge heels and perfectly coiffed hair just entered the mall next door.Her perfume's strong and she's carrying a Gucci bag.What is with women and their branded labels?Am i supposed to feel like them?Am i supposed to love everything which sounds French?I am more comfortable buying a 15 bucks black dress from this unknown place called LOUD.The dress looked pretty.

I want things to be how it was before.I really do.And this is for that one person.She knows who she is.Don't build a wall around you.I don't expect you to be like me.I just want you to know that i tried.

Ok my accounts textbook is calling out to me.
And now ends my train of weird weird thoughts.Just ignore this post.
Merci.

The Derailed Mind of a Hopeless Actor.

It's May.A new month.And one more month just got over.Well a lot has happened for the past few days.I keep asking myself was it worth it?My mind is filled with thoughts and questions...questions which will remain unanswered.I've had a mixed of emotions-anger,frustration,pain.Pain-a silent one though.
I've learnt a lot.
Forgiving and forgetting is really really hard.Maybe that's what i should do right now.It's so easy to be a person you don't want to be.An invisible mask.It makes things much more easier.We all do that to hide ..to hide ourselves from being who we really are.The fear, that maybe just once you might be wrong.Little do we know that we're living a lie.And it's wrong.And we know it.
So here i am watching Kris Allen sing-my mind's somewhere else.Keeping your mind clear is another hard thing to do.Sleep helps.Those empty dreams can take you through one more night.

So it's a brand new month.A whole new month left.It can be different.I just hope so.Putting on a smile is easy for me.I will be happy.

Little Things.

This pointless video just makes me smile.

Well it was taken on the day i got my badge.A day i am trying hard to remember.
The following are some random pictures i took.I loved it.






































Well now i would remember this....Shruti,Nija and I... out of class:)

A White Lie.

I am happy.

I really am.

She's Just A Girl.

I held my breath long enough to take my own life,
But my intention was to take in that beautiful smell.
The beautiful smell of wet sand,
it rained the other night..i was with my friend who knew very well.
Who knew i had everything.
Well i did.

But i had no one to love,
No one to confide.
No one to quarrel with,
No one to comfort me when i cried

There i was standing all alone,
the vast ocean in front of me.
I had all the things i ever wanted,
at least i thought i had.
Well i was wrong...for the very first time,
Tears started trickling down and i was sad.

I wouldn't be remembered as a good person.

But a rich corporate woman.

Ramblings in Joy?

So this is my first post where i am actually ranting.Well at least i am trying too.I sit here with Facebook opened in the other tab.
This is a very cliched thought that comes to everyone's mind at this stage,"where am i going to be in a matter of 11 months?".
While some might be relieved to leave the dreadful building where they slogged and slogged...others hesitate to leave their comfortable surrounding...seeing the same faces,doing the same things.I think i fall into the latter.Though my friends lament how horrible school is and how much they "torture" us, i really don't like the idea of leaving the people who i love the most.Change is something i dislike and even when i shifted from Modern High to Millennium it wasn't easy at all.People didn't like me at first and i clearly hated my first day of school.But obviously people knew what a great person i was *ahem* and i found great things in Nija,Shruti,Jisha and Anusha in the first few years.
I have a great memory so i remember everything in my old school.And trust me,it was a great school.It taught me to use my creativity and i wrote my first poem for the school principal.and jeez,that's pretty embarrassing to think about it now.I will never forget my 3rd grade teacher Mrs.Murthy.She was a great teacher with an amazing personality.She loved us and we had no reason to hate her!Another teacher who made an impression i my life was Etta ma'am.Sadly,she's no more.She was a lively teacher and i was scared of her in the beginning!She taught me a lot ..things no one else could.And i am proud to be one of her students.
Friends....i had many.I spent 8 years in that school and that's a really long time.I saw people come and people go.I have to mention Anusha Ramesh and Leona.They were the dearest and i spent a lot of time with them.I remember i knocked on Anusha's door at 6 in the morning and her mom was sweet enough to prepare breakfast for me too and Rishika joined us for a swim that afternoon.
Millennium School offered me something completely different.At first,i didn't like the school one bit.I remember spending one afternoon playing badminton with a friend who was incidentally from modern high too and we spoke about our dislike for the school.But 4 years later here i am and when i think about it our school has grown ..has grown a lot actually.
What was i talking about?Oh yes,leaving school.
Well it's not a choice.
Call me a baby..i don't care but i hate "breaking free",meeting new people and all that jazz.I prefer my crazy old friends who i can rely at anytime.
Some people say you have more freedom and you have more fun and that schools are boring and take away everything from you.I have to agree on that..but they do leave you with memories-yes amazing,unforgettable memories...might be good ones or bad ones.I've had stupid fights with my friends...I've had a tinge of jealousy when my friends do better than me..I even feel isolated and lonely on my not-so-good days.But in the end,I look at my medals..the joys on winning it..i look at my newsletter...the feeling of finally-getting there.I look at my friend's face when she comes to know she actually passed.Haha.Those are indescribable moments.
And this point you might be drooling over your keyboard or thinking i am a complete loser.I really don't care.This is my mind,these are my thoughts.
And if I've made any grammatical errors,i apologize.
So what do you think?Are you ready to leave school?Face the world?
I think i am.I think i should be ready.

Forces Of Nature.

My 9-day vacation kicked off with a heavy rainfall and a hailstorm.Oh and i loved it.I remember vaguely a hailstorm that happened really really long ago in Dubai.My sisters and I huddled together-scared.We didn't like the noise it was making and we didn't move at all till the storm stopped.Obviously,I didn't remember all that!My silly sister keeps telling this story over and over again.Now here are some of the pictures taken.Some of them were sent by mail from some people.The pictures were beautiful and i just had to put them here!

I love this one!

Does that even look like Dubai?





This rarely happens in Dubai.Dubai's a hot barren desert(okay at least it was...now it's just a concrete jungle) so it was pretty weird to see ice falling from the sky.I loved it and i hate to see the sun shine.But those are the forces of nature and we can do nothing about it.

Back To My Roots.

Taken right after a heavy rainfall.I spent my summer in this beautiful village.Green.Peaceful.I like this place,it's like my new hide out.Trust me,it's a whole new world out there.

You'll Find Me Near The Sun

I placed myself on the cold sand,the wind blowing through my hair,
I stared at the sun which smiled back at me.
The waves crashed,splashed water on my face,
But the sun gives the warmth i need.

I hear laughter,i turn back,
I see my li'l precious ones building a sandcastle.
My little Jonathan comes up to me and asks me to crack,
one of his funny made-up riddles.

Just to see the smile on his face,
I tell him i do not know.
And then he grins and his face glows,
And tells the answer.

I held the sand in my hand,
I knew my time was running out.
But i couldn't let myself cave in,
this was a war to be fought.

And i was going to lose anyway.

As i look at myself in the mirror,
A bald ugly woman stares back at me.
I was tired and exhausted,
but i had so much more to see.

I wanted to do everything i could,
before I end up on a hospital bed.
But that's exactly what happened,
I had to be dressed,washed and fed.

A few days later,I opened my eyes,
I was covered with weird tubes and wires.
I saw my husband holding my hand,
It made me feel good and it felt like fire.

The pain was excruciating,
And I could take no more.
I mouthed the words "i love you",
and let myself drown in the pool of pain.

Something told me to fight back,
I opened my eyes again.
I saw men in white masks,
And they were hurting me a lot.

I tried one last time,to see the world,
but failed miserably.
I heard a beep and the pain was gone,
And i felt free....and well-happy.

But then all I could see was darkness.

Convicts.

Just hold my hand and everything will be okay.

Bludgeoned.
Blood everywhere.Gasping for air.
Two lifeless figures on the floor.

He was still holding her hand.

The ladies.

Two girls who know each other like the back of their hands.
A lonely girl watching them,longing for what they had.
A cold stare,a disgusted
that's all she gets from them


Three girls giggling,watching Grease
She knew she would be here with them.

They knew her so well
they can tell when something's bothering her
they know what will cheer her up
they know what she hates
they know her like the back of their hand.


As John Travolta dances,
she looks at her two closest confidantes
she's happy.

Us and Them.

He staggered towards the only support-a broken pole which stood there.He felt the blood gushing out from his right ankle and his throat was burning.He looked at the vast graveyard man had dug for themselves and he regretted the decision he took that morning-to fight for his country.He knew that was the most unpatriotic thought that could come into his mind but he didn't care.He was ready to forgive and forget.Far off he saw a man getting up..holding his gun in the left hand.He thought to himself"so who are the good guys us or them?"

He saw the man on the other side with his ankle hurt.He knew he had to take revenge.He had the gun in his hand.He had to kill the remaining man.He saw his pleading eyes but his mind told him to just shoot him.The trigger went off and the man fell to the floor.He smiled to himself proud of what he had just done.His enemy was dead.

He remembered that day so well like it had just happened yesterday.He thought how foolish he was to not even think once before he shot.He found it hard to breathe..he couldn't battle with time..he was old ."So who lost now?"he asked himself and he knew the answer.He took in the last breath and he lay there motionless-all alone.He had nobody.He was punished.And he knew it.

Leotards,Stilettos and the Shiny Swords!

We had less than a month to prepare for the Grade 12 farewell and we had no clue what to do!
Well there were many things on our minds and with more than 30 students doing it together it was a Herculean task.Well i being the stupid one decided to put my name for the dance..and gosh what a big mistake that was!Well i just wanted to have fun and that's not what i exactly experienced.When i entered the dance room with Sahitia who was VERY encouraging,my stomach started doing something!i wouldn't move at all and i felt like such an idiot.I remember begging Anusha to take me into the choir.
The next dance practice wasn't all that bad..and you know what?i kind of enjoyed it.I had fun with my stunt partner Sahitia and we got to do our very own stunt at the beginning of the song!

The day finally arrived and there i was with my straightened hair(thank you Shruti!)and in an indian attire.We all looked so pretty!



Well we did so much but i am just too lazy to put that down here.

Farewell was great and an unforgettable evening for various reasons:)

Missing.

The whole world came crashing down,
And i thought i could find my way.
Those little things that made me frown,
seemed so futile on that day.
I knew there was something missing,
something i needed the most.
I realized i couldn't get through,
those arduous days without that one love that i had lost.
But there she was-my friend,
who pulled me up from the claws of grief.
She knew what made me laugh and what made me tough,
And she's the reason why i am,well-me.




P:S Well i haven't really gone through a phase where"the world came crashing down"..But i did have those days where i was just down and out.And you guys just got me through those days with your silly jokes and random talks:)
I love you all-Nija(always there for me-enough said),Anusha(my iron maiden fan buddy and everything else-yes everything else),Sahitia(my lovely partner and stunt partner and my other half),Shruti(the girl who knows everything and who knows me-i hope),Jisha(she's not only there for making me laugh...she means alot to me)
I know the above sounds pathetic but i really really cannot do without you all!

Oh and just so you know,the poem written above is incomplete.

The Diary of a girl in Gaza

"I wandered here and there..having no idea where i was.
I was looking for my sister-Layla.I asked everyone around..i went everywhere looking for her.She was the only one left in my family.My family died fighting for their land.In a state of desperation,i entered the clinic and inquired about my sister.She was there-alive.I rejoiced.But i found her in pain.She was covered with bandages and this lively girl couldn't even move."i just want to end my life"she said.I was in tears too..but i couldn't let my sister know that i was just as scared as she was."Layla-umm and baba didn't raise us to run away..they taught us to fight-to fight back".She tried to smile but she couldn't.She just held my hand.The doctor told me that she was going to live for only 3 or 4 days but my little sister was still alive on the fifth day.I was so proud of her..i knew she was just hanging in there.That night she told me how much she missed those days when we were free and when we were unafraid.She said this pain was too much and she couldn't bear it.I started crying.She told me to wipe away my tears...she started singing an old Palestinian song..and i joined her.We both laughed and sang all night.Next morning i went out to get food.There was no food and water.I felt like i had lost everything.I came back to see my sister-the only face that made each day easier for me.There she was-lying motionless.She lost the battle.She died.I felt like a part of me was taken away.I felt sad.I felt lonely.I didn't know what to do.I lost everything.I lost everyone i loved.I am not sure if i am going to live.And i am not scared.I know my Layla is waiting for me".






I found this diary amongst the rubble.The clinic was bombed.No one survived.

Life.

I am born.
I learn.
I love.
I am hurt.
I hate
I cry.
I laugh.
I bleed.
I die.

I resolve.

2009.A new beginning?
When the new year begins we feel rejuvenated.
We forgive.
We let go.
We make up.
We forget.
We have no idea of what the new year holds for us.
We might lose.
We might win.
We might fall.
We could love it or hate it.

Last year was wonderful.

This year could be better or worse...